5 Secrets to Protecting Yourself from Your Spouse’s Negativity
By Nicola Beer
International Relationship Coach
"Nicola, my husband is chronically complaining and forever in a bad mood. He manages to find something wrong with everything and is constantly feeling hard done by and down. I don’t know how to help him or live with him at times! I don’t want him to ruin the holidays for me and the children again. What can I do?"
It's extremely challenging to live with a negative person. They may have depression or they may be habitually negative and cannot see how miserable they are making themselves and the toxic effect they are having on others. They may even mock you for being positive or naive when you see the good in things and others. If you have already tried talking to them, asked if they need support and have been met with more negativity this article is for you. I will share with you my 5 secrets to keep you feeling good and your energy high.
In order to protect yourself you need to first understand that your energy and feeling good is Everything and I mean Everything:
For You When you feel good and positive, you not only attract more good things but stressful events are much easier to deal with, if you feel alive and healthy. Keeping a positive vibration is the single most important thing you can do to for yourself, your relationship and any children.
For Them Feeling good also puts you in a much better position to help your spouse. In 2003 I was a volunteer for the Samaritans a emotional distress / crisis helpline for 4 years. I quickly realized that if I was going to be successful in helping people, I couldn't take on any negative energy. I uncovered many secrets to keeping my energy clean and clear and was able to assist thousands of people in need, without being adversely affected. In fact I felt energized and fulfilled after. The most powerful 5 secrets are listed below, they help me and hope they help you from absorbing negativity.
NOTE If you are the one who is feeling negative, my heart also goes out to you, I will cover more on this later. In my marriage counseling I tend to help people feel better by supporting them to create a strong sense of purpose in their life and find something they are passionate about. Often if someone has dedicated their life to the marriage and children, they can lose themselves and the consequence of being lost in life is loneliness and negativity...I know I've been there. When these men and women refocus on their own needs, they find the relationship also really benefits. Get in touch if this applies to you.
5 Secrets to Protecting Yourself from Your Spouses Negativity
1, Don’t Use Negative Emotions to Connect
Often in order to connect with our loved ones, we match their emotions. For example, if your partner is annoyed at something you mirror it, to get on the same wave length. The problem with this we compromise our own energy every time we use negative emotions as a tool to connect. We also become less effective in helping them if we are both operating at an emotionally low level. If were sad, depressed, stressed and frustrated it's much more difficult to listen to others and find solutions. It is possible however to offer compassion and understanding without compromising your own energy.
2, Accept It's Not Your Responsibility
If you take their mood and negative energy as your responsibility then it starts to belong to you, and your body, mind and spirit responds as if, you really are responsible and must fix it. Often when we carry this weight on our shoulders and take on their stress and worry, we can feel overwhelmed and run down. Sometimes we get sick or our performance at work is affected because we are carrying their baggage with us.
No matter how much you love and care about someone, you are not responsible for their happiness. You are responsible for you and your experience of them, but not for them... if that makes sense?
So don't think by taking on your partner’s stuff as your own, you are helping them. The best help you can be to your spouse is to keep your spirits high and invite them UP to meet you. Many I work with in marriage counseling find when they release responsibility they can show up in a more responsive way and be more of service to their partner. From a place of positivity we brain storm actions they can take to support their partner to feel good, leaving the responsibility and choice to follow through with the other spouse. How much of what you carry doesn't even belong to you? Really think about this.
3, Let Go of Judging or Thinking That You Know Better
When we think that we know better and try to change our partner, not only does it often back fire, it also allows their energy to infiltrate ours, I see it all the time in marriage counseling. If you don’t want your spouse to affect your energy, then it is important to allow them to make their own choices and hold their own opinions. Similarly, the act of judging (even if done silently to yourself) can bring in more negativity, as by focusing on their negativism and what you perceive they are doing wrong puts you on the same low emotional vibe.
Give up trying to convince someone you know what is best for them and making judgments. Your positive energy is the most powerful tool you have to live a happy and fulfilled life, protect it!
4, Don't Give Your Power Away - Stop Reacting
Is your spouse always creating a drama? Are they trying to invoke a negative emotional response from you, in order to “get energy" or what they want from you? Do you allow your spouse's bad mood and day to dictate your own mood and day?
If yes the moment you react you are you giving your power away. This can lead to a gain for them and the cycle to repeat itself. Which won't help you or them long-term and especially when it comes to save your marriage. Remember no one has power over you, they only have the power that you give to them, which is controlled by your thoughts, beliefs and actions. Helping individuals to own their own power and save their marriage is an area I really love to support in, it's crucial for a balanced relationship.
One lady I worked with found the more she reacted the more her husband’s complaints increased and he argued she was just as angry and aggressive as him. So she tried not reacting and used to say to him "you're probably right" and carried on about her day. After a short amount of time, he changed his tune dramatically which benefitted her and him and she was able to save their marriage. Before reacting ask yourself is it worth it? Who will it help? This doesn’t mean that you cannot speak your truth and set boundaries in a way that supports you and the relationship.
5, Do Not Accept Blame
When negativity is directed at you, do your best to shake it off as quickly as possible. Don’t retaliate. Don’t brood. And don’t get caught in your own pity party because you’re married to them. People blame us all the time for things that are out of our control. Just because they blame you, doesn’t mean you have to take it on. If you are responsible, be responsible and rectify the situation, but don’t allow yourself to be their scape-goat. You do not even need to react to the blame – just let it pass.
From my heart to yours,
P.S If you found this article useful, you may also like my free e-book "7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage"
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